I took a walk to the gas station up the road.
For the past year or so I've lived in an old neighborhood filled with amazing houses. I've only taken a few walks down 1100 East, the road I live on. There hasn't been a lot of times I've really gone too far away from that road and wandered through the other areas.
We've recently been told that we are going to have to leave soon. Originally it was within the next 2 weeks. Now there isn't really a certain time, but it is looking like it's a pretty for sure thing.
As I walked through these neighborhoods I saw a father walking with his son.
I started thinking about what would happen if I were to have a child. How drastically things would change.
A part of me feels like that would be one of the best things that could happen to me right now. I have dreams that are so hard for me to chase because of my comforts, my insecurities and my current incapabilities.
Sometimes I think it would be good to just have those dreams crushed. To take on the role of being a father. To start putting other people before me.
One of the main things I've wanted ever since before I started my adult life was to have a house where I could make and record music. A place where no one could hear me. With no other responsibilities but to make music.
A place where I could invite people in and out when I needed others but somewhere that I would never have any worries about irritating anyone, or showing them things I wasn't ready to show.
I walked passed a house a few streets away. The walls were lit up. In these houses I saw expensive lamps, a simple fireplace. I began wondering what it would be like to call these homes home. What it would be like if that was where I was. If I could be on the top floor writing and making music.
I've really started to envy successful people. People that went and got degrees that helped them get high paying, important jobs. I see these people as smart, successful, fascinating people.
I see a lot of that in some of my friends. It's a bit intimidating, but interesting to think what it would be like to walk into a car dealer and purchase a brand new car just because you could. I don't really have a desire to buy a new car, and never really have but I'm fascinated by the ability to be able to.
As I walked through the neighborhoods I passed a lot of parties. There were all sorts of teens and college kids or whatever they were, making noise. I thought about how they are so content to go to a party and get drunk, smoke, whatever it is they do. They were probably 420 parties.
I don't really feel like I have that drive. I may have drank a time or two but it's just funny to see people do whatever it is that makes them happy or gives them a good time. The lights to the Salt Lake Bees game are on. The local private high school has it's lights shining.
As I pass by old houses I think of what the "founding fathers" of this city had in mind for the city and what they city is now. Sometimes I feel a sense that people are lost. I think the majority of the world is in that place, but walking around Salt Lake makes me feel that way. It's sort of a comforting feeling. It's like these people are going through life chasing whatever makes them feel successful.
I'm certainly not trying to say I'm void of that at all, I think that's exactly what I'm trying to figure out.
It's almost like I relate to them in that regard.
If you get about 75-90 years out of this life than things have probably worked out pretty well for you. Watching people find meaning to their lives is really fascinating to me.
Sometimes I want to take a deeper look at people. What are they thinking. Why are they where they are. What are they doing right now. What is there agenda for the day? Who do they come home to? Why do they present themselves the way they do, ect.
I look through these old Victorian houses. At their art hanging from the wall, the living room lit just a little. Subtle details I can see that they've probably never thought about.
That's how it seems to work sometimes. You set your house up and decorate it and the people who end up taking the most notice of your living space are the people who visit. It's like once your set up you sort of forget about the details. You overlook the pictures. They become something you pass as you come home.
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