Phases

March 11, 2013

One of the beautifully depressing things about life is watching other humans or living things go about their lives.

A human is only an infant for a small period of time.  They grow into a toddler for a small portion of time and then that bratty post toddler portion of their life that everyone loves.  Before you know it they start to figure the basic personality traits that they are going to have, sometimes for the rest of their lives.

It's interesting to me to compare myself and where I'm at in a particular state of my life to someone else and where they were.

I remember going though a really hard time years ago.  I talked to my nieces and nephew's who at the time were in such a simple, carefree part of their life.  They told me about their love life, from the perspective of a fifth grader.  I looked at some of the area's of my life where I had weaknesses and saw how there wasn't any true pain they had to go through, at least not that I could see.

Their life was so simple, so naive in a sense and so happy.

As time goes by those little people have grown to be years older, they're becoming teens if not adults now.  It's fascinating to think of how their life has changed.

Sometimes I think about how hard it would be to loose a parent.  How I need to start realizing how incredibly lucky I am to have all of the family that I have.

As time passes by so do people.  My whole family just sort of blends in.  My parent's have been grandparent's since I was four so I've seen sort of a unique view of things, in a way.  There are a lot of age gaps in my family so I've always considered my nieces and nephews as almost siblings in a sense.

I look up to them a lot.  I admire the ways they are able to go through life and seem so content with everything.

Life is strange in the sense that you start out as the youngest person in your family.  As time progresses you become somewhat of an "adult figure" or "elder" person.

Everyone is getting married.  Families are expanding into new families.  The family tree is expanding into a family forest.

I guess where I'm going with this is that there is only so much you can do to capture the joys of a particular moment.  Sometimes I get really lonely with this feeling.

I've got a weakness for longing for the past.  It's almost when you grow you start to take on new perspectives and it's hard to not be able to go back and see what things were really like when you were younger.  I had such a seven year old's mind when I was seven.  I have 7 year old memories from being seven, but I want to see how things were from my perspective now.

Were the people I thought to be nice really nice or was everyone nice in my young mind?  Was life as perfect as I perceived it to be or did I just see it that way.

There's a really strange sense of happiness that I've found walking through grocery stores by myself late at night.  It started around the time I was 18.  For some reason I find those places great for walking around and thinking about my life in the present, past and the future.  I can't really explain what it is.  I'll read a music magazine and wonder if I'll ever be in a Guitar magazine?

It's almost like I find a sort of peace when I'm there.  Alone in a practically empty grocery store.  I have so many dreams, but I find so much comfort holding back and keeping them to myself.

There are two things that sort of scare the hell out of me on a daily basis.  One is becoming old without accomplishing my dreams or becoming content in myself as an artist.  The other is completely failing in life and not doing anything about it until it's too late.

Life is good.