Chaotic Kinesis

If there's one thing I know about myself it's that I'm a musician at heart. I've dediciated my whole life recently to trying to get enough money to attain a house. I want an atmosphere where I can freely work on music. There's nothing I want more from life. I just want to lay out all of my stuff and have the rehearsal space, recording studio and everything just all in one convenient room... Preferably twice the size of my current living space.

I want to thoroughly study the arrangements of notes, tones, pitches so I can better communicate and express myself. One of my fears recently has becoming the fact that I'm growing older each passing day. I feel like every day is an opportunity to get closer to my dreams. Over the past year or so I came to the realization that I am in the prime to be living my dream life right now. This realization forced me to get a voice teacher(s). I have this ongoing fear of singing in front of people that I'm still trying to overcome.

I love art. I'm evnious of photographers, graphic artists, painters, drawers, video editors. A part of me wishes that I had the time to become great at those things so I could use them all in the artwork for my music. Over time and in considering pursuing graphic design as a career I feel like I'm better at coming up with visual concepts in my head and they might best be brought to life with the help of someone who has a better artist eye than myself, in that regards.

This discovery has sort of allowed me to step away from the graphic design thing a bit and helped me realize that if I want to become amazing at something then I need to focus on what it is that I really want from this ridiculously short life.

Looking back at my life it's almost a timeline. I can think back to where I was at a particular state and think of the people that walked in and out of those moments in time. Sometimes I miss those moments.

That's part of the fascination I have with the art of living. People come in and out and interact with eathother in a particular moment. It's beautiful to me how there can be an interaction that somehow brings a unique set of people to the same location for a space of time under two unique circumstances that none of them will ever necessarily be in again.

Some times those people are in different minds and don't realize what they have at that moment and come back later. Meanwhile...

Over the past year I've come a lot closer to becoming a dedicated person. Instead of playing on stage I'd drive around until I found a private place where I could record my voice in the car. Just me, my recorded voice lesson and a digital voice recorder. Where I'd sit and try to record my voice and decode what I had to do to make it sound better. Each new week I go into my teacher. It's the highlight of my week! I get to take my voice to him and essentially say “make it not sound like shit”.

I'm particularly ecstatic to work with my new teacher Dean Kaelin. In just our first lesson he has picked up on where I am vocally and his studio is the perfect enviroment for me to get over all of my fears.

He doesn't close the door for one, which normally scares the hell out of me. So girls, particularly girls that know how to sing amazing can walk in at any given time. (My biggest fear in the world) Dean pushes me to sing more aggressive, another one of my weaknesses. I've already started to FINALLY connect on some of the thing I've struggled with in one way or another so I think it's getting to the point of sort of paying off.

One of the hardest things I've found in my studies of the incredible human voice and trying to sing better is that it's hard to learn how to practice productively. Some of those nights I feel a sense of hopelessness that creates this immediate sense of urgentcy to get better.

The trick now is maintaining enough income to pay my bills and to keep educating myself while finding the time to develop musically.